The past few days things have been getting better. I passed my senior paper, and did ok on my practive presentation. Those too things take a lot of stress of mym shoulders. Still not perfect because final are still comming.

Something that came upin my mind one night was me trtying to organize my reason why I don't ask a girl out, or get a girlfriend, or had ask someone to senior ball. It came about when I was looking at a pictures........That girl just happens to be the girl I wanted to go with the most, the one I ............, and I the girl I have a had a crush on for over 6 years. So here are some reasons it never happend, and why I don't ask girls out, or to ball.
1. Afraid they would say no. Don't want to be turned down. Pretty common reason guy sometimes don't want to ask.
2. Afraid they would say yes, but not really want to go wtih me. I only want to go with someone who really wants to go with me.
3. Afraid they would say yes, then get ask by another guy she wants to go with more but now can't. I don't want to keep the girl from having her senior ball with they guy she wants.
4. Afaid they would say yes, then I would have to deal with my mom and myy sister who would both bug the hell out of me about it. Have to deal with friend being like "So... you and _____ ... hehe... wink wink..... nudge nudge" , you get the idea.
5. Afraid they would say yes, and they want to go wtih me, and I want to go with them, then I would actually have to go through with it. I am not very good with talk to girls, or hanging out with one. I am too shy, especcially around the ones I like. (ex. see post realating to senior ball). I am afriad I would mess something up between us.
6. Afraid that is she said yes, and the night went well and we become closer in our realationship. I am afraid of realtionship for many fo these same reason.
In concluion I am just way to shy, insecure, and afraid to ask a girl to ball, or out on a date. I am more afraid of her says yes than no. It is not something I am very proud of, but I don't have the will power or motivation to change it.

I haven't slept that well in a long time. I just feel very well rested and in a good mood. Probably all that talking with maya last night cleared my mind and the fact that I was no tired. I hope I can sleep that well more often. It will be a good summer if I can....

Have to go to work again today for the 4 day in a row. good money I guess. Nobody at that store lieks it there except for the three new people. Everyone excpet them is planning on quitting soon. Just hard to say no to the moeny. If I do work there durring the summer I will try and work only in the mornings. I hate having to close. Well not much more to say right now, so I will sign off. bye bye....

I just finish talking to Maya...It is like this weird mind game she is playing on me. Oh well, I can trust her not to tell anyone my secrets. Though I still haven't told her my more personal secrets and definately not this blog.

brice and maya are two people I can trust with my feelings. trust is something this world tends to lack, even I do. We need trust and for people to honor that trust. It people could trust each other enough to have serious talks about all subject, we would of had to bomb sadam. If we trusted him to do the right thing and help his country and for his to not let that trust be miss placed, thousand of iraqing would still be with their families to day. Through out hisorty lack of trust had lead to numerous deaths. What about all those people we killed, huuh!!! Is it fair for the to die just becasue of personal pride, and lack of trust!!!!! It pissed me off when people can't show a little class, a little respect, and a little more thinking before action. People die when that happends and that is not fair. It everone would just reconize their responsibilies to human kind, and but the world communities interest before their, there would be no need for personal intersest, before it would be one in the same with the world communites intersts. That happends to anyone single person in the world is every other person's interest. every thing that is a world interest is a personal interest because we live in a global society.
For someone to say "it is none of my business is to be niave, selfish, and irresonsible. Bush said he morns for the loss of every collitlition soldier in the war. BUT HE DOES NOT GRIEVE TO EVERY IRAQI THE SAME AS HE DOES AN AMERICA!!!! What he doesn't realize is that we are all the same. it should hurt the world as much to lose a person like Martin Luther King or Gandi as is does Sadam or Hitler. It is still loss of life based on the placeing of personal interest above the world communities intersts.

I would love to continue this discussion but I am too tired. Thing would get really ugly if I continued. This only begin to express many of the extreme ideas and ideal I have the world. This further I dive deeper into them the more pissed off I get and the uglier things will get. Eleven o'clock and not all is well in the world.....

Each day as the end of high school grow nearer, the more I want major change in my life. I have not had a major event in my life since the 6th grade (started the trombone). Maybe college will do that for me. I hope so. But I really hope it happens sooner than that. I just turned 18 but it feels just like 17 or 16. I want something new in my life for 18 feels more special or unique. I could be anything really... I just need something....
Work today was ok I guess. Girls at papa murphys always seem to have to most unique conversations. Today they start talking about strech mark on their inner thigh and near their crotch. I have not idea how it got started. That conversation wan't the strangest I have heard but strange none the less. Rachel wore shorts to work for the first time I can remember, probably trying to show off her tan. I don't know.

Another boring day at school. Calculus test wasn't too hard, but just anyoying. 3-D graphing is not my strongest thing. The weather is getting hot, which to most people is good, but to me it sucks. I don't like the heat. My body just radiates heat like mad. I walk to school in the winter in short and t-shirt. HOt weather means lots of sitting ont he couch sweating, which makes me feel dirty. Hot weather also mean another typical boring summer. In general it is better than being at school, but most days I just sit around and do nothings. Somedays I do stuff with friends which is fun. But I am an early waker. I am up in the moring 3 or 4 hr before my friends. That is 3 or 4 hours of TV or lyeing around. I really need something new, like a hobbie or something. Something that can hold my interest day after day. Last summer I took programming class which was good because i forced me to go somewhere. The last thing I ever want to do it be in my house. I told my friends I don't care what I do just as long as I get out of my house. I haveing been as active in computer games in recent time becuase I have betten all the games I have and that makes them not as much fun to play. I wish I have high speed internet so I could play online games with my friends, or do quick surfing or download anything I want. Maybe instead of a hobbie I could get a cool girl friend that long just to hang out and if full I ideas about things to do, or just likes to hand out somewhere. In many ways I really want to leave papa murphy's because the job is really annoying, yet I want to money and it forces me to do something rather than veg out in front of the comptuer. If I do work during the summer I will try and get onyl moring shifts so I still have times in the afternoons and evening to chill with friends (or girl-friend, yeah right). What would be really cool is the get a girl friend that I could go to work with. So to everyone of my friends, CALL ME, I am usualyl free and will never say no to an offer to do something. I don't care if all u want to do is hang at someones house, just CALL ME. Feel free to just drop by my house, always open when I am home. The last number of summer have pretty much sucked. been really boring, monotous, and makes me want to get backto school so I can do something. I will try to play my trombone a lots more, and maybe sign up for a band at DVC, and play with my teachers band a lots. That would be fun. Kind of annoyed to have to share my house this summer becuase my sister is not going away. I hate shareing a bath room, tv, and internet with her. She love to use two or more of those things at the same time. Loves to play her music 24/7 even when I am trying to sleep. Well don't have much more to say. Life sucks, its boring.

Last night concert went well. All the band played great. Jazz band got a standing ovation. It was fun. Got to chill and hang out with that cool sophomore girl. We talked politics, music, life we seem to share a lot of the same views. She makes me feel good about my self. She has a great smile. Just a lto of fun to be around.

Probably should start working on the revision of myy senior paper. Got my friend to give me a quote to use as a fake interview. Just need to ass more stuff. I did an inclass essay in econ on Gloabization. I though it was a good essay. Will try and post it when I get it back. Will have to turn in myy senior quote tommorow. Mine is
"Hard work may pay off in the future, but laziness always pays off now."
Explain my philosopy on life faily accurately. More accurate then my typing and spelling. Physic class gets more and more confusion by the day. Realativity is hard to comprehend. Deals with 4th demention type ideas.
Only 3 week left in school.

School like usual kind of sucked. I continue to stay in one of my irratable, bad, pissed off, ready to get away, ready to snap kind of moods. The same kind of mood I have been in for the past month or more. Little things that I could just ingnore before, get me really pissed off. People especially. People who can't show a little respect to their teacher, or stop when people ask, or just don't seem to understand how to ahev a little bit of class. Well anyways I have go play my final major band concert tonight. We get to paly at the Regional Center for the ARt in downtown WC. Really nice place to play. Music is still fun, but manyn people in the band (especially jazz band) are the find I mentioned before that piss me off. Ready to go play with a college or professional band. It is always a joy to play with the proffesional jazz big band that my trombone teacher plays in. They are really really really good but very supportave of me since I am not as good as they are.

Well I sit here now 18. Only present so far have been $100 and a new trombone ($1500 of my own money). So it turned out ok I guess. Doesn't feel any different being 18. Just makes me even more ready to leave, and puts me deaper into my bad mood funk.

Senior ball was last night. I finally decided to go because I heard of they were serving good food. The food and especcially the dessert were excecllent. They played a lot of rap/hip-hop etc. type music which I don't like. They did play some techno and older dance song which were fun.

Good Morning :: Before school
Work sucked :: last night :: people don't finsih jobs :: they get mad
Stocks portfolio :: going up :: 47000
Jazz concert :: Saturday :: fun :: cool songs
Side note :: People don't realize Northgate has one of he best jazz band on the west coast ::
:: Went to moneteray jazz festivle :: top ten band on west coast go ::
:: We probably had best trrombone section there :: **grin**
Have to go the school :: blah

Life Update :::::::::::::::::
AP Calc :: easy :: too much spare time
AP Physic :: monday :: ohno
Senior Paper :: done :: project done :: www.nontent.net/chess.exe
Senior ball :: no date :: don't know if I go :: broke
music :: new trombone :: no money now
life :: boring :: static :: need change :: $.01 would do ::give me chage :: in life
get off now :: sleep :: or school